I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize