i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If I die, sorry about rent.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
