i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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