He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
