hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
A bitchslap is in order.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
