he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
