The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
