What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
