after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
