I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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