Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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