The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
