i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Drunk is not a location!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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