I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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