My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
