The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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