The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
