Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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