Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
