I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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