If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
