she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
