you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
