Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he laminated a picture of his dick.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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