I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Couch. On fire.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
