Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
