We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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