wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
