oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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