You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
