I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
