but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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