so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
