She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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