He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
