we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
