Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
