we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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