I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
