I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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