she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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