my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
