on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
