dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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