i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
