I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
