i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
