what day is it and did you see me today?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
