I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
