I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
