Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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