We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
