he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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