Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize