I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
