yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
