im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize